Church Humor!

Wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the hel p they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Til then-
Did YOU Hear About the Morgans?

Just for a little extra laugh :)

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down. 
2.  Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't Disguise Your Voice! 
3.   Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 
4.   Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks--Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'. 
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 
9.   Sing Along At The Opera. 
10.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 
11.  When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!' 
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling < /B>'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!' 13.  Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

Til then-

Did YOU Hear About the Morgans? 

You know you're from Louisiana...

You are a Louisianan if...

1. You can properly pronounce Lecompte, Lafayette, Ponchatoula, Natchitoches, Opelousas, Shongaloo, Tangipahoa, Pontchartrain, Avoyelles, Times Picayune, Lafourche, Ouachita, and Atchafalaya, and you know that New Orleans doesn't have a long 'E' sound anywhere in it.

2. You think other people who complain about the heat in their states are
sissies.

3. Newspapers make the best table cloths when setting the table for a
crawfish boil.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor or a
sugar cane truck on the highway.

5. You've had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' all on the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the
distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

8. You've seen peopl e wear bib overalls or LSU shirts at funerals.

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes, not miles.

11. Little Smokies and anything on a Ritz cracker are something you serve
only on special occasions.

12. You go to the lake because you think it is kind of like going to the
ocean.

13. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit to wear
each day.

14. You know cow pies are not made of beef.

15. People you know have used an LSU or Saint's football schedule to plan
their wedding date.

16. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

17. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a
four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go
first.

18. You aren't surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition, beer, pickled
pig's feet, and bait all in the same store.

1 9. Your 'place at the lake' has wheels under it or 8 foot pilings.

20. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy or Ford Extended Bed Crew
Cab is.

21. You know everything goes better with ' Tabasco '.

22. You learned how to shoot a gun and bait a hook before you learned how to
multiply.

23. You actually get these jokes and are 'fixin' to send them to your
friends before 'makin' groceries, or goin' by your mama's.

24. Red beans and rice are ALWAYS served on Mondays.

25. Po-Boys have nothing to do with one's economic status.

26. Katrina and Rita are no longer acceptable names for newborn baby girls.

27. AND THE 'F' WORD is now pronounced FEMA.

Finally, you are a 100% Louisianan if you have EVER had this conversation:

'You wanna Coke?'
'Yeah. '
'What kind?'
'Dr Pepper'

Til THen-

Did YOU Hear About the Morgans? 

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Gotta love some Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes!

Boudreau was driving down Canal street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of ma life and give up ma White Lightnin'!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Boudreau looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' Father Murphy walks into a bar on Bourbon Street, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to Thibodaux and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' Thibodaux said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' Thibodaux said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.  I thought you were getting a bunch together to go right now.' Boudreaux was in New Orleans . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Boudreaux still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,  Boudreaux went over to him and said, 'Ain't it 'bout time ya let the Catholics across?' Boudreaux opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly phoned his best friend, Landry. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Boudreaux. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Landry.  'Where ya callin' from?' A Parish priest is driving down to New Orleans from Alexandria and gets stopped for speeding .  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!' Walking into the bar, Boudreaux said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little wife.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Boudreaux replied, 'She came to me on  her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! ? What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little coward.' Devereaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Landry.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Betty Lou. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Devereaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Devereaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Betty Lou staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Devereaux said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Betty Lou said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. Til Then- Did YOU Hear About the Morgans?

Another Funny!

  
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" 
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." 
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." 
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" 
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" 
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! 
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." 
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" 
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" 
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" 
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"


Til Then-
Did YOU Hear About the Morgans? 

Crude but funny

Anybody Can Toot!

A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy toots, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter. "How'd you do that?" she asks. "Easy," he exclaimed, "I just tooted." "Can I try it," she asks? "Sure," he says, "anybody can do it." She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle. Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust!" Til then- Did YOU Hear about the Morgans?

Thought Provoking

This is a long "forward" but I enjoyed it and wanted to have it saved somewhere...

 DON'T LEAVE IT ON THE DESK"

There was a certain Professor of Religion named Dr. Christianson, a studious man who taught at a small college in the western United States .

Dr. Christianson taught the required survey course in Christianity at this particular institution.
Every student was required to take this course their freshman year, regardless of his or her major.

Although Dr. Christianson tried hard to communicate the essence of the gosBrady@fumcpel in his class, he found that
most of his students looked upon the course as nothing but required drudgery.  Despite his best efforts, most students refused to take Christianity seriously.

This year, Dr. Christianson had a special student named Steve.  Steve was only a freshman, but was
studying with the intent of going onto seminary for the ministry.  Steve was popular, he was well liked, and he was an imposing physical specimen.  He was now the starting center on the school football
team, and was the best student in the professor's class.

One day, Dr. Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him.

"How many push-ups can you do?"

Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."

"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Dr. Christianson said. "Do you think you could do 300?"

Steve replied, "I don't know.... I've never done 300 at a time"

"Do you think you could?" again asked Dr. Christianson.

"Well, I can try," said Steve.

"Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I have a class project in mind and I need you to do about 300
push-ups in sets of ten for this to work.  Can you do it? I need you to
tell me you can do it," said the professor. 

Steve said, "Well... I think I can...yeah, I can do it."

Dr. Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on Friday.. Let me explain what I have in mind."

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room.  When class started, the
professor pulled out a big box of donuts.  No, these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls.  Everyone was pretty excited it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend with
a party in Dr. Christianson's class.

Dr. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want to have one of
these donuts?"

Cynthia said, "Yes."

Dr. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can
have a donut?"

"Sure!" Steve jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten.  Then Steve again sat in his desk.
Dr. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia's desk.

Dr. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe, do you want a donut?"

Joe said, "Yes."  Dr. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?"

Steve did ten push-ups, Joe got a donut.  And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten push-ups for every person before they got their donut.

Walking down the second aisle, Dr. Christianson came to Scott.  Scott was on the basketball team,
and in as good condition as Steve.  He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship..

When the professor asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"

Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own push-ups?"

Dr. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."

Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."

Dr... Christianson shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups
so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"

With perfect obedience Steve started to do ten push-ups.

Scott said, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!"

Dr.. Christianson said, "Look! This is my classroom, my class, my desks, and these are my donuts.
Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it."  And he put a donut on Scott's desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little.  He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down.  You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow.

Dr. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry.  Dr.. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"

Sternly, Jenny said, "No."

Then Dr. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten more push-ups so Jenny can have a donut
that she doesn't want?"

Steve did ten....Jenny got a donut.

By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room.  The students were beginning to say, "No!" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks..

Steve also had to really put forth a lot of extra effort to get these push-ups done for each donut.
There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Dr. Christianson asked Robert, who was the most vocal unbeliever in the class, to watch Steve do each
push up to make sure he did the full ten push-ups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts.  He sent Robert over to where Steve was so Robert count the set and watch Steve closely.

Dr. Christianson started down the fourth row..  During his class, however, some students from other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators that ran down the sides of the room.  When the professor realized this, he did a quick count and saw that now there were 34 students in
the room.  He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Dr. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next.  Near the end of that row,
Steve was really having a rough time.  He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Steve asked Dr. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"

Dr. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well, they're your push-ups.  You are in charge now.
You can do them any way that you want."  And Dr. Christianson went on.

A few moments later, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room and was about to
come in when all the students yelled in one voice, "NO! Don't come in! Stay out!"

Jason didn't know what was going on.  Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."

Professor Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten push-ups for
him?"

Steve said, "Yes, let him come in.  Give him a donut."

Dr. Christianson said, "Okay, Steve, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now.

Jason, do you want a donut?"

Jason, new to the room, hardly knew what was going on.  "Yes," he said, "give me a donut."

"Steve, will you do ten push-ups so that Jason can have a donut?"

Steve did ten push-ups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat
down.

Dr Christianson finished the fourth row, and then started on those visitors seated by the heaters.  Steve's arms were now shaking with each push-up in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity.  By this time sweat was profusely dropping off of his face, there was no sound except his heavy
breathing; there was not a dry eye in the room..

The very last two students in the room were two young women, both cheerleaders, and very popular.  Dr. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut?"

Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you."

Professor Christianson quietly asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Linda can have a donut
she doesn't want?"

Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow push-ups for Linda.

Then Dr. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan.  "Susan, do you want a donut?"

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, began to cry.  "Dr. Christianson, why can't I help
him?"

Dr Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, Steve has to do it alone; I have given him this task and he is in charge of seeing that everyone has an opportunity for a donut whether they want it or not..  When I decided to have a party this last day of class, I looked at my grade book.  Steve here is the only student with a perfect grade.  Everyone else has failed a test, skipped class, or offered me inferior work.  Steve told me that in football practice, when a player messes up he must do push-ups. I told Steve that none of you could come to my party unless he paid the price by doing your push-ups.  He and I made a deal for your sakes."

"Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Susan can have a donut?"

As Steve very slowly finished his last push-up, with the understanding that he had accomplished all
that was required of him, having done 350 push-ups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

Dr. Christianson turned to the room and said, "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, on the
cross, plead to the Father, 'Into thy hands I commend my spirit.'  With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, He yielded up His life.  And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten. "

Two students helped Steve up off the floor and to a seat, physically exhausted, but wearing a thin
smile.

"Well done, good and faithful servant," said the professor, adding, "Not all sermons are
preached in words."

Turning to his class, the professor said, "My wish is that you might understand and fully comprehend all
the riches of grace and mercy that have been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  He spared not His Only Begotten Son, but gave Him up for us all, for the whole Church, now and forever.  Whether or not we choose to accept His gift to us, the price has been paid."

"Wouldn't you be foolish and ungrateful to leave it lying on the desk?" 

Til then-

Did YOU Hear About the Morgans?