I had not planned to write a blog post today but I woke up at 3:30 a.m. feeling like I needed to write. I tried to avoid it for nearly 45 minutes but when it was obvious that I was not going to fall back asleep without heeding that still small voice, I decided that I better go ahead and get up.
Mother's Day. This is my 7th Mother's Day since Mason was born. 8th if you count when I was pregnant with him. It's such a special day but it's also a dang hard day. And so many people have reasons that this day is hard or bittersweet.
We are almost to the three month mark since Maxwell and Marcus went to heaven and that's almost unfathomable for me. Those sweet precious boys are loved and missed. If I were still pregnant, I'd be just into my third trimester right now. That hurts. That stings. That just plain sucks.
I've felt lonely lately. Not even sure I realized it until those words just came out onto the page. The boys and I have been home for 58 days. There have been some incredible moments for us as a family especially when Matt gets off and on weekends when we all get to be together. I pray I never forget the special in these times. But back to it. Lonely. I miss friends. I have a few people that I text with here and there. A few people that I send Marco Polos back and forth with and that has helped but I am recognizing and realizing that much of my communication is face-to-face with those I love and support and feel supported by. And you know, that's great! Until you can't see people face-to-face.
I also recognize that those friendships are such a HUGE part of what have helped with my grief and for nearly two months, I haven't been able to access that in the same way. Sure, people have checked in here and there and Matt and I have done our best to keep the conversation open but it's just not the same for me.
I sort of feel like this is off track but it's my blog so I will just write what I want. 😉
My heart has been heavy as I've thought about Mother's Day. I've thought about birth moms who chose to place their babies into the hands of another woman. I've thought about the woman with no children but who desperately wants them. I've thought about the spiritual moms. I've thought about my own mom. I've thought about my grandmothers and all grandmothers. I've thought about the moms who have miscarried. I've thought about the moms who delivered babies born sleeping. I've thought about twin moms.
Recently, I found out about a mom in town who has two beautiful girls and was pregnant with twins...her dream. Around 10/11 weeks, she learned that they didn't have heartbeats. A mutual friend reached out to me and asked if I could contact this mom. Of course I said yes because one thing that I always want to do is use my pain for a purpose. That is part of how God takes what the enemy meant for evil and turns it for good. It felt good to help her. 100% wish we weren't in this club together but I was there for her and one day, she will do the same for someone else.
I still don't really know what the point of this post that I am 16 minutes into writing is.
It's Mother's Day. Today, I will get spoiled with meals that I requested to be made. I will be given a few little gifts including some I picked out for myself. 😉 I will get to snuggle with my 6.5 year old Mason and my almost 4 (!!!!) year old Maddox. I will remember my precious angel babies. All four of them. One who went to heaven on 7/5/15. One on 7/5/18 and our twins, Maxwell and Marcus. I will squeeze my husband tight because, let's be real, this isn't a road you can walk with just anyone. I will continue to walk through my grief. I will continue to thank God everyday for what he's given. What he's doing. What he's showing me.
Happy Mother's Day to the moms of all kinds.
