You know those days when you wake up and you aren't sure if it'll be a good day or a bad day but you pray and believe it'll be a good day? Yeah, February 12th was one of those days. I woke up nauseous because we had an appointment with our high risk OB. But I also felt such a peace.
I was taking the boys to a friend's house and snapped a picture.
Just two hours later, we got the most awful news that our precious twins did not have heartbeats. It was shocking and horrifying and just plain awful. On July 5th, 2015, I miscarried at 9-10 weeks. On July 5th, 2018, I miscarried at 8-9 weeks. But this was different. I was pregnant with twins. We'd told everyone we knew. I was 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant. It was harder. We were in complete shock. We cried for the longest time in the doctor's office then we walked to the car. We just sat there in shock and cried some more. We texted a few people and just sat and held hands. We drove to the house to drop off Matt's truck and then we rode together to get the boys. We decided on the drive that we would tell the boys the news ASAP so it wouldn't be awkward as time went on. Mason was a bit in shock and asked questions. Maddox lost it. He was bawling crying and hysterical. It was the worst. Matt handed him to me and we just cried together.
When we got home, I knew the doctor would be calling soon. And she did. She gave information I never expected to hear. She told me that I would have to be induced and delivery our precious babies. This sent me into a tailspin. I had miscarried at home before but didn't realize it had happened and I'd had a d&c but delivering two (dead) babies vaginally was not something I could fathom. I screamed and called Matt into the room and we cried together. The doctor told me to call her back when I was ready. While I wish that was never, I called her anyway and got scheduled to be induced the following night.
We began the heart-wrenching calls and texts to more family and friends and also lining up plans for the boys in the days to come since we knew we would be in the hospital for at least one night. I've never been more thankful for people stepping in to help. Within hours, we had care lined up for 2-3 days and a meal train was set up and it was filling quickly. That was shocking and so incredible to experience. (I'll try to share more about that in the coming posts.)
Kris came over to sit with me. I wasn't even sure I wanted that but it was perfect and I'm so glad she did. We talked about it all and about things that didn't feel like they mattered in that moment but were such a welcome distraction to real life at that time.
Matt met with a pastor from church for an already planned meeting. He almost canceled but I honestly think it was the best thing he could have done in that moment.
When you learn that the two babies in your womb are no longer alive, you cling to what you have even tighter.
February 12th was awful but we had no idea how hard the coming days would be.
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