Monday, July 6, 2015

The Hardest Day of Our Lives

I don't really want to write this down but this blog is the story of our lives and this day, July 5th 2015, is a part of our story, no matter how hard it may have been. And, I just need to write to process.

Let's see where this story starts...I was due with a baby due February 5th, 2016.

The short version...I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, 2 days pregnant on July 5th, 2015 and it was the hardest day of life thus far.

Here is the whole story: (do not feel like you have to read. I need this written down for myself as therapy and so that we as a family can reflect on God's goodness in this hard time)

Matt and I had been trying to get pregnant for 6 months (since Mason had his 1st birthday). In the month of May, we were successful and we were thrilled. Matt and I had chosen to wait to tell until I was at least 12 weeks so we had been enjoying knowing our little secret. I went to the doctor twice, one time including an ultrasound with a good strong heartbeat of 150 bpm.

On Friday, July 3rd, 9 weeks of pregnancy had passed and I was feeling good...well, until about 8:00 that night. I began to have some spotting but it was brown and this is supposedly normal so I just rested and waited.

On Saturday morning, as we got ready for a full day of 4th of July activities, I began having some more spotting/bleeding and I got in touch with the on call doctor. (Side story: I tried calling the clinic to get connected to the on call doctor but the number was connecting incorrectly. When I had gone to my appointment for my ultrasound, I had seen Dr. G's wife, who I was once in a small group with so despite us not telling anyone, she knew I was pregnant. This was a HUGE blessing on Saturday because I was able to message her to get her husband's number and it turns out he was the on call doctor that weekend. Best part of that: He delivered Mason and he is my favorite OB.)

As Saturday went on, I was taking it really easy with lots of sitting. I had some mild discomfort and spotting off and on but at one point, it was actually better than when it started. We had lunch with Matt's grandparents and enjoyed a great visit with them.

Another blessing occurred Saturday afternoon. Our friends, the Razzle's (fake name because it makes me smile), had invited us to dinner at their house with some pool/sprinkler time for the kiddos. (Side story: This is a miracle in itself because we have known them for nearly a year and a half and we haven't ever gotten together like this. We do child swap so we are usually watching each other's kids or the moms get together with kids.) We had an awesome time together. The kids played for hours, the adults visited, some games were played etc. Not long before we left, I told Jenn I was pregnant and told her that I needed her to be on call for me should anything happen and I needed her help. Another huge blessing here because I would not had told her this early otherwise.

Matt, Mason, and I came home and went to bed early as it had been a long day. I slept from 9-11 and woke with a start and went to the bathroom. The bleeding was much heavier and I was starting to hurt more. I texted the OB, Dr. G, and was grateful he was on call the whole weekend. He called me and said that even with what was going on with the bleeding that all could very well still be fine. He said he had seen plenty of women bleed during pregnancy even though it isn't the norm. He also reminded me that it was the night of the 4th of July and the ER was sure to be raging. He told me then to try to rest if I could and to call him in the morning.

I was able to fall asleep for about 3 hours and woke up at 4 on July 5th with excruciating pain. I don't say this lightly. I did not go into labor with Mason but I would relate this pain to what I assume labor pains would feel like. I have a very high pain tolerance but this was bad. I took a bath and tried to lay down. The bleeding was heavy but similar to what I described to Dr. G the night before so I tried to think positively. Sometime between 4 and 7, I was in awful pain, and I had to wake Matt. I woke him and he rubbed my back and talked to me and we decided to get in touch with the OB at 7:00.

At 7:00, we woke Mason and got him going for breakfast. I texted Dr. G and told him I needed/wanted to come in. No matter the circumstance, I needed some confirmation.  He told me that he had called the Labor and Delivery unit to tell them I was coming. This was a HUGE blessing, too, because that meant I could avoid the long possible wait and coldness of the ER and get to be seen sooner and by actual L&D nurses and my OB.

We called Jenn and she said she could come meet us to get Mason and then we would head to the hospital. At this point, I wasn't sure what was going on but strangely, I had such a peace, it was surreal. I had been crying off and on and honestly, most of it was from pain. I had Matt get me a tylenol before we left for the hospital because I needed a break. Jenn came to pick up Mason and we headed to the hospital.

We arrived around 8 and went straight up to triage in L&D where we met nurses, Jennifer and Nancy. They helped me get changed, checked my BP and temp and just told me to hang tight for Dr. G. I was feeling much better at that point which made us laugh a little bit since we had decided to come to the hospital and I was feeling good. It was nice to have some humor no matter the outcome/situation.

Dr. G came in and attempted an ultrasound on my abdomen and then opted for a vaginal one. He noticed that I had been bleeding a good bit, which I had already told him, but he was positive the whole time and that comforted Matt and I to a great degree. Dr. G is hilarious and we needed his good vibes and positivity in our room. We also go to church with him (in a large church) so we know he loves the Lord like we do. He remained positive and caring as he completed the vaginal ultrasound showing us that our sweet baby was no longer there.

This was both the hardest moment and one of the most grateful moments of our lives. The hardest for the obvious reason that it was the moment we had confirmation that our sweet love was no longer growing inside my body. It was a grateful moment because we had confirmation that I had miscarried at home without a real idea of exactly when rather than inside a cold hospital or worse with the requirement for a D&C.

The nurses and doctor left the room and gave Matt and I some time. We both cried and held each other and even in that moment, we talked about the good things that we could already see had happened. After we gathered ourselves, Dr. G and Jennifer came back in. Dr. G explained logistics as succinctly as possible which I appreciated and he hugged me and said how sorry he was. I told him I was just glad it was him who was on call because I needed that familiarity in that hard time.

Jennifer, the nurse who I had never met before that morning, talked to Matt and I about how this is just a moment in time. A hard moment but it doesn't mean there isn't hope for plenty more healthy pregnancies and Morgan babies in the future. She hugged me and boy was that the most comforting hug I've ever received from a stranger. Holy Spirit present much?!?

Lastly, in the hospital before we left, Nancy came in with some bereavement items which included the sweetest little teddy bear that I'm so grateful to have. I know our sweet baby is in heaven but having something tangible from that day will be something we treasure forever. Nancy also said that there will be hard days to come; that men and women process differently so be prepared for that and just to love each other.

Matt and I got into the car and began our drive home. It was weird. Our lives had changed forever. Just hours before we were pregnant with our second child and now we weren't. Another blessing? Our hospital is right by Krispy Kreme and let's be honest, Krispy Kreme's hot donuts can make every situation better, even if only a tiny bit. We cried as we drove and we were both comforted by each other.

Sunday was a day of rest for us. We took naps, we cried, we talked, we loved on our sweet Mason who was being extra snuggly and sweet. We didn't take that for granted and considered it a blessing from the Lord himself. We made hard phone calls, sent difficult text messages, wrestled with our emotions and received love and concern from those we told.

I'm writing this on the morning of July 6th as the rawness of the situation is still present and it feels strangely good to get it on "paper".

A few have asked, what do we need?

So much of this situation is emotional and that will come in waves as we process and time goes on. But what I do know is that we need support, not any particular support but just support. If you as a family member, friend, or blog reader feel like you want to offer support just do that. If it's a kind word, say it. If it's a box of chocolates, send it. If it's a "I'm sorry", that's fine, too. A meal, we will eat it.

You get the idea. We are grateful for everything but expectant of nothing in particular. What I've learned in the last 24 hours is this, just say something. As my closest friends and family have said just something. There are no perfect words and no words that change the situation but a word spoken in the right time from a caring friend or family member, that's what helps.

Also, little life lessons learned in the hours since this happened:
Those little silly things we stress over in life, boy, they don't really matter.
Hug your family tight and your friends, too, you never know when you'll have to lean into them heavily for support.
My husband is AWESOME!!! No, seriously, I couldn't imagine this experience without him by my side.
I'm sure there are many more lessons and blessings to come in the days ahead. God is good like that.

We appreciate your love, support, and prayers for us.


  1. Oh Leslie, I'm sitting here with these huge tears hurting like CRAZY for you. My heart just sank when I read the words. You know I'm not a mama and I don't know this pain firsthand, but I think you know my heart is HUGELY tender toward this kind of loss, and I wish I could come bring you chocolate right this very minute. Sending much love, many prayers, and if you ever need to talk, I'm just an email away. I'm a pretty good listener. Love you, dear friend.

  2. No mother should ever have to lose their baby. I can't imagine the emotional pain you are going through. Please know you are not alone. Your experience, especially being able to count your blessings during this hard time, may be a source of comfort to another mom in your situation years from now.

  3. I had two miscarriages before Kennedy. It is one of the worst feelings in the world because you truly love that baby the moment you see the positive on that pregnancy test. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are in my prayers.

  4. We love you and are so sorry!!! I am so glad God worked it out so we could help you that day! Love and hugs - the Goodletts

  5. Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you, and I am praying for you and your sweet family.