Thursday, July 9, 2015

What's on my Mind

I keep trying to write a cohesive blog post but the train of thought is pretty random these days so I guess a streams of consciousness will have to be it.

*This week has been hard and wonderful at the same time. Mason has been really clinging to Matt which has been good for me to be able to rest but so hard at the same time because I have wanted to snuggle him at times and he hasn't wanted to. The other side of that is that he has has been super snuggly at other times and I've been soaking that up.

*I keep trying to decide if I want to write a post about my pregnancy before the miscarriage but since it was early there wasn't a lot to report. I'm just going to write it here. I took a positive pregnancy test on June 1st, told Matt on June 5th with Mason wearing a "Big Bro" shirt. I had two appointments. We went on June 24th for an ultrasound and got to see our little peanut and saw a strong heartbeat of 150bpm. Everything was going well before the miscarriage so that made it a bit more difficult to understand. I do want to add that I kept telling Matt that during those weeks after the test, I kept having some unexplained moments of uncertainty. It wasn't anything I could put my finger on but all I can think now is that maybe it was God's way of preparing me.

*Matt and I have had so many little chats this week about how crazy our emotions are right now. We are sad, then mad, then upset, then confused because we are feeling all of those emotions in a 3 minute period. UGH!

*Matt said that certain things make him have thoughts about the situations and not surprisingly, completely different situations start my emotions going.

*As sad as I am about the miscarriage itself, I keep thinking about how hard it was for us to get pregnant in the first place (6 months) and how my doctor asked us to wait for a certain amount of time which means that our plans and thoughts of having Mason and our second child right about 2 years apart aren't really going to happen right now. In fact, they may be closer to 3 years apart. That's a hard pill to swallow.

*At the same time as I have all of those thoughts above, I also have some positive thoughts about how that scenario works out. Having children closer to 3 years apart would bring a lot of positive things as well.

*It's also hard to have any thoughts about a next child because my emotions are so raw from the miscarriage.

*About 6 months ago, my friend, Jennifer, and I purchased tickets for Beth Moore LPL in Greenville. I have wanted to go and I knew I would love it but boy, it could not be coming at a better time. I am prepared with lots of tissues and I am believing God will do a great work in my heart.

*Matt and I have felt so much peace this week. Our friends and family have been praying along with us for peace and comfort as well as healing and I can honestly say, we are feeling that. 

*See? I told you it was a whirlwind in my head. I'm grateful to be able to put words on paper, talk to Matt about them and move forward. So much better than keeping them locked up. 

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